I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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