everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
