He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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