I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
