Your dad touched me again.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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