how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The air was thick with penises
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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