mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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