Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
