I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
