just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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