i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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