Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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