It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
4 words: hood of his car
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
