just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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