she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
This toilet bowl is my home.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
