Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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