and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
