OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
why do cheetos always look like penises
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
