we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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