Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
