I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
