Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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