im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
