before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
‪He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life‬
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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