i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
