Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
