i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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