I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
