my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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