i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
