all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
