i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
