I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
