I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
