Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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