Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Randomize
