a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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