I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
