everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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