I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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