I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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