Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
