I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
