Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
