I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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