I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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