I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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