I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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