Best friends brother. Beat that.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Randomize
