It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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