I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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